Throughout the course of human history science has led and enriched our lives with promises of fabulous inventions. Why, it seems just yesterday bologna tasted like ass and that Ozone layer was on the out, and while bologna still tastes like pig bile science is slowly taking care of that ozone problem. However, for all of our wondrous advances in the field of Internet pornography and drive through liquor stores science still leaves plenty of unanswered questions. Things like "Where the fuck is my moon car?"... in fact...

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MOON CAR?

As a child of the 80's I’ve done my research and am well aware the Jetsons was based in late 1998. We can overlook the definite lack of moving sidewalks that would just promote more fatties to sue sidewalk makers for 'force feeding' them pounds of lard daily, but I for one refuse to overlook the failure of the 90's to produce one single interstellar Buick. Western dependence on foreign crude is as good a scapegoat as any when it comes to placing blame on humanity slacking in the cheap interstellar travel department, and if we can get a Go Bot to Mars on solar power there is no reason I can't get the Pontiac Sunbird to the moon.

In fact, the car itself making it into space isn't a prerequisite to tooling around space in the comfort of your automobile. Science could just as easily get a highway built with a cool name like the Lunar-I509 Highway to the Moon. Now that's an expressway where road rage wouldn't pay off and the slightest of mistakes could send your moon-semi hurling into space. These suggestions are just a good base for getting project moon car off the ground before it's 3004 and we're just getting to moon cars when we should be teleporting each other around the galaxy on beams of light.

YOU BUILT PAMELA ANDERSON,

SO WHY NOT A GOOD TERMINATOR?

Let's run down the technology keeping Pamela Anderson mobile:

• Mac IIgs Operating System (minus Oregon Trail)


• 469 pounds of silicon enhancement


• Weekly injection of battery acid to clean out Hepatitis


• Blonding agent to keep the solar panel of her head soaking in raw energy

WHY NO LASER GUNS?

While we're talking about military applications science has failed us on inventing let's get to the biggest disappointment to date. The Laser Gun. We've been in the dark ages of gas propelled lead for far too long and it's time to get that modern day staple of science fiction film. As somebody who spent the better part of his childhood with a magnifying glass in the sun attacking the armies of Cobra I know the value of a good laser weapon. Unfortunately those homemade lasers cost me $50 in 1980's cobra commander figures and if my math is right that's something like $60,000 in today's cash all because at the young age of 8 I could build the laser science still fails to produce.

Too much time has been spent adapting laser technology into medical applications like face thinning, wrinkle reduction or whatever the rich old people do with lasers to cheat death one more year. Folks, we shouldn't be putting lasers on calculators for accurate measurements and stopping grandma from looking 128 when we don't even have a color coded laser weapon system (red lasers for bad guys, blue for good guys). I've been told the chief reason laser production has reached a plateau is due to the human inadequacy of finding a good high voltage power source to keep the laser humming. This of course makes the lasers we have exceptionally expensive and roughly the size of telephone booths completely invalidating any hopes at a hand held laser weapon in the next 20 years. Way to go science! You've crushed the hopes of many young children that were making due with a magnifying glass and the sun expecting any day to get that laser in a Christmas box.

PROSTETIC LIMBS SUCK, WHY?

Boy oh boy don't we live in a modern age where you can lose an arm and we will strap a 2x4 on your stub with some packing tape. For an extra $10,000 they can even jam a metal retractable hook into the end for the ultimate in a modern day solution to practical limb reattachment. Honestly, I'm not expecting humanity to ever be able to re-grow lost limbs and organs, but the least we can do is get to producing a modern day titanium, computer limb like Denzel Washington had in Virtuosity. It's unfortunate that laser technology can't get clear the power hurdle because this is an application that a good laser attachment would really boost into the next millennium. Hell, I would willingly lose a hand to the buzz saw if I could get a titanium computer hand with a laser middle finger.

While the question is on the table where is that thriving industry delivering humans EXTRA limbs should they be so inclined to use 3 arms, 2 heads or an extra penis? I think the time has come to really make the shocker something special in the bedroom and an extra penis is the tool to keep the fires of romance burning bright. Who hasn't been driving down a highway and thought to themselves, "With another hand to hold this beer it would be a lot easier to dodge the blinking cars and elves." How many cats do you see daily missing a tail and three legged dogs? This industry isn't just for the greed of humanity when our four (if they're lucky) legged friends suffer from the same ailment. A quick trip to the vet could buy the family pet a new tail to replace the one currently in the chains of the garage door, and if you're feeling saucy I'm sure the cat wouldn't complain should you add a few legs and a mane.

I LIED. I WANT A GOD DAMN CLONE.

And I'm not talking about one of those Dr. Evil Mini-me's that are all the fad in clone development. We need to get producing like the 6th Day, and if the fundamentalist assholes want to keep voting against clone development because it upstages God I vote we clone 25,000,000 of me to win that election in one fail swoop. I'm relatively free of genetic defects and I promise the American people that a cloned army of me will quickly over run our enemies and convert them to the Walmart purchasing, McDonalds loving civilization they deserve to be.

In short technology and science are lagging behind like the skinny kid in a lunch line at the Golden Corral. For far too long we've been wasting time and money on bigger and better studies still proving chocolate tastes good and people like sex. You can cure Cancer when I have a moon car sitting in my driveway, and until then you're wasting my precious years on this planet with your DVD inventions and fake grass.

PS: Find a way to make a house cat that comes without claws and we'll call it even.

Replies: 28 comments

HA-HA, this is quite amusing :) Thank you for once again changing my comment, it's highly satisfying to see your nerves still fraying! I'm going to leave you alone to get on with your silly little life now, because you obviously can't handle any serious opposition. Enjoy whatever pointless task you take on next!
-Becca, the 'huge butch lesbian bitch.'

Posted by Becca @ 01/21/2004 12:54 PM PST

Anyone know where I can find some weight loss stuff, I'm a huge bitch.

Posted by Becca @ 01/19/2004 01:51 PM PST

i finally read the whole comments section.
my conclusion - becca is a whore who strives for nothing but negative attention and doesnt get jokes. but thats just my opinion

Posted by DisgruntledJoe @ 01/18/2004 03:36 PM PST

I'm a butch lesbian, but want to have your babies.

Posted by Becca @ 01/18/2004 12:00 PM PST

hey nerd, "tl;dr" means "too long; didn't read"

the more you know...

Posted by DisgruntledJoe @ 01/17/2004 10:01 AM PST

Becca are you some kind of idiot? I don't need to know anything about a person to call them ugly. They might not be ugly on the inside, but I am not referring to that, what I am referring to is there physical appearance. You see I don't need to post a picture of myself, for I know I am god and that everyone in the world wishes they could look as good as me. The sad thing is, that all of the people and others like yourself are giving me exactly what I want, a reaction. There was a lady who was on the Ugly Cams, but she had the ability to ask nicely to be taken off. If any of these other people would have done the same it wouldn't have been a problem. I know people don't want to be called ugly, however I knew I could get a reaction, and cause controvesy. Controversy = hits. I knew it was offensive, but what I did was find cam people that weren't up to societies standards hot, and than I put them on a page and called it the ugly cam page. If people weren't such idiots about it, and just said "Hey, I don't aprreciate being on your cam page, can you take me off" I would have had no problem doing it. However, when I get "OMG You suxor you asshole moron peckerhead jerkoff", it's exactly what I want and thus I leave the images up. Thank you and have a nice day.

Posted by nerd @ 01/14/2004 12:23 PM PST

'Leave a loving comment.' Aha. Aha. How droll. How very hypocritical. Leave a loving comment whilst you're being a complete prick and posting people - doubtlessly without permission - as being 'The Ugliest of the Ugliest', when you know near enough next to bugger all about them. Judging by the insensitive comments made by you in that section, I say you post a picture of yourself on the page and delete the other pictures you've got on there. Then people will actually agree with you when they see the page title, 'The Ugliest of the Ugliest.'

Posted by Becca @ 01/14/2004 10:44 AM PST

thats real cute :D

Posted by Raul @ 01/14/2004 12:22 AM PST

I was having sex at 14, though it was with men, does that make me a slut? . Furthermore, my mom had her first child when she was 17, and wishes she would have aborted it, because now she is a 2 bit whore.

Reguardless of everything, I'm a complete dumbass, and can't spell regardless.

But I thought I would open my mouth when it doesn't involve me and I'm a gay homosexual.

Peace and Love.

Posted by Raul @ 01/13/2004 09:35 PM PST

Hey joe, you need to leave comments more often, but please explain what the fuck tl;dr means :)

Posted by nerd @ 01/13/2004 08:34 PM PST

article - made me smirk

comments - tl;dr

Posted by DisgruntledJoe @ 01/13/2004 06:03 PM PST

She also can't spell hilarious

Posted by nerd @ 01/13/2004 02:12 PM PST

lol@this chick. I cant say much about the whole kid thing, I have one myself, but it certainly wasn't at the age of 16. You should have went to college sweetie, you're confusing the words "You are" with the word that shows possession, "your". So what, he thinks you're ugly. I'm sure more people do too. Maybe some think you're hot. Stop tormenting the guy for having an opinion and do like he says. Get yer ugly ass off the internet and take care of your child.

Posted by jenni @ 01/13/2004 01:50 PM PST

For the love of god, you are the one that keeps having to open their mouth. I have plenty of self-confidence, and know that I would never touch you with someone elses penis. How am I saying I think I know you, all I've stated is that you spend to much time on the internet arguing with me, when you could be spending it with your kid, who (this is fact) you had when you were 16. To have a kid at 16 means, you were more than likely having sex at 15 which in most peoples eyes, you are a slut. Now, if nothing I say bothers you, why do you keep replying and telling everyone that you are pissed off about these cams and stuff? Seems kind of odd to me. Yes, I am in college, you could have been too if you weren't spreading your legs so young. I really don't have a lot of growing up to do, I run this site in my spare time, which I have because I have no kid unlike yourself. I didn't have to grow up like someone at the age of 16 because I was having a kid. So fuck you and have a nice day.

Posted by nerd @ 01/13/2004 11:19 AM PST

You know what? Im glad to see you are TRYING to have self confidence.
NERDREVENGE haaaah fucking moron.
Everything you type here about "me" is halarious. Your making yourself look stupid because you think you KNOW me.
Nothing you say bothers me if thats what your trying to do by saying ridicilous things. Your in college? Oh my. You really have alot of maturing to do.
Grow up! AND just shut up already.
k thnx =)

Posted by Desserae @ 01/13/2004 06:08 AM PST

Wow, you what a comeback, your son should be so proud that his mom called someone stupid. Stop wasting my time posting comments, and calling me junior high names. Obviously, I can't be to stupid. I actually do attend college, I doubt you do, since you are probably busy attempting to take care of your son, when actually you are to busy trying to argue over something because your self-esteem is so low that because some random person calls you ugly you freak out and become obsessive. Stop worrying about me and what I do, and worry about your son.

Posted by nerd @ 01/13/2004 01:40 AM PST

nerd your simply one STUPID nerd.

Posted by Desserae @ 01/12/2004 11:25 PM PST

*giggles* Ugly people suck :/ Nerd doesn't have pics up, he's simply afraid you'd stalk him more than ever. His sexyness is too much for you to handle :)

Posted by jenni @ 01/12/2004 10:06 PM PST

Are you some kind of fucking idiot. How would I know, its quite simple, you have it posted on your site. I thought I'd take a venture and look around, and I didn't say I know anything about you. I know you have a kid, that is fact, and to have a kid at 16, implies that you were spreading your legs at an early age. By the way how am I taking it to far? You are the one who keeps coming to my site and posting comments and emailing me, and others about my cam page that shouldn't bother anyone with self-esteem. It is my opinion and my website, don't like it don't visit. Simply put, you are taking it to far, no go take care of your child, who I'm sure would love it if you paid less attention to my site and your site, and actually paid attention to more important things like him. And G, who were you talking to?

Posted by nerd @ 01/12/2004 09:53 PM PST

suck cock

Posted by G @ 01/12/2004 08:57 PM PST

Wow you really must be retarded or something. Where do you get off saying you know ANYTHING about me?? How would you know if I have a child?
Fucking moron get a life you are totally obbessed. People like you should'nt be have rights to computer you take it wayyyy to far.
Seek help you mental case!

Posted by Desserae @ 01/12/2004 08:56 PM PST

What would a picture of me have to do with this site. Why on my website would I want to put a picture of me? What point would it server. Stop posting comments and go take care of your child who you had while you were 16. It's not his fault his mom was a slut, so the least you could do is stop worrying about your website and some picture, and take care of him.

Posted by nerd @ 01/12/2004 04:04 PM PST

WTF are you talking about?
Your nerd ass homorific friend posted me and a bunch of cams under ugly cams.
I asked where wtf is your picture?
Of course nerd don't have any up here.
OF COURSE NOT.
little punk lmafooo

Posted by Desserae @ 01/12/2004 10:44 AM PST

I know you left the comment.

And I know your name is linked to some cam site featuring a haggard sea wench that writes in the mono syllabic language of your common 4 year old.

So, assuming that is your website and the best work you can do on the Internet I have no reason to be offended when you have some criticism of my work.

Posted by Neverclear @ 01/10/2004 10:52 PM PST

uh huh that comment was from me you fucking dickface!

Posted by Desserae @ 01/10/2004 10:39 PM PST

The comment was from the person that runs this site: http://piercedvixen.com/

Needless to say I'm hardly offended.

Posted by Neverclear @ 01/10/2004 09:22 PM PST

I thought it was a great article written by neverclear, it's sad now days that people need pictures to enjoy a writing.

Posted by nerd @ 01/10/2004 04:35 PM PST

You suck! Got pix? gawd lol

Posted by Desserae @ 01/10/2004 12:23 PM PST